


Our Burdens

by plasticlizard022



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:28:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticlizard022/pseuds/plasticlizard022
Summary: After you lost so many people you cared about, including the love of your life, Bucky Barnes, you're having a hard time coping. At least your longtime friend Steve Rogers is there to share the burden of loss with you. You reminisce the good times with your dear friend and find that the both of you don't have to be so alone so long as you have each other.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Back to the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all I am too lazy to proofread so good luck. Should be good but who can say :)
> 
> Also this is going to be the slowest burn I have ever produced in my limited career. So if you want the juicy stuff, you're just going to have to stay tuned :))

You buried yourself in your work for weeks. You told yourself (and everyone else) that it was because there was so much for you to learn and tinker with now that you had been introduced to new medical practices from other planets - courtesy of Captain Marvel. You had always been fascinated with experimental and new practices. Not only did that get your powers and your spot on the Avengers, but it helped cure you of your cancer. Most doctors weren't brave enough to try new things, or so you thought anyway. 

It had been months. . . or maybe years or just weeks. You lost track of time. You would go days without leaving your lab or seeing another human being. You kept cooped up in the lab at the Avengers compound in upstate New York. Natasha was there most of the time, though she gave you the space you so obviously desired. She hung around waiting for someone in the galaxy to need her - she wanted to be reachable here. Captain Marvel, the raccoon, and Nebula were all spread out throughout the galaxy; Rhodey was usually somewhere in the states. . . And Natasha was trying to keep an eye on Clint who had gone rouge. 

As for Steve, you knew he was trying to clean up any mess that he could. He had a little support group in New York City he hosted to help those still struggling with the snap. You had attended once but it was too hard for you. Of course, that meant you really should've been there. Instead, you found it was easier to bury yourself in your work and let the days pass behind the shuttered windows. 

The team was so spread apart that the few of you left hardly even felt like a team. Tony didn't want any part of it anymore either which had been a difficult blow to handle on top of everything else. You did speak to him on the rare occasion and had even been there for the birth of his daughter. But that was months ago now and you had only heard from him once since then when little Morgan had gotten sick and he called you out of concern. You weren't a pediatric doctor or general practitioner but you helped him through his daughter's pneumonia. That was the last you had heard from him. 

You didn't look up when you heard a knock at the door. Sometimes Nat would ask if you wanted to eat, to which you almost always replied "no", and then she would leave you be for another few days before coming in to check on you. You appreciated the gesture but you still just wanted to be alone. You were so sure that you could only grieve properly on your own - though it had been a year and you were still in a dark place. 

"I'm not hungry," you said absently. You were hunched over at a desk looking into a microscope. Your (Y/C/H) hair was thrown up into a messy bun to hide the fact that you hadn't showered in days. That took too much time and energy that you just didn't have. 

"Shame," a warm, soft voice sighed from the doorway. You spun around on your stool and beamed. "I brought the finest New York pizza straight from the city itself." A honey-sweet smile crossed his lips. 

"Steve," you whispered breathlessly. If you were a cartoon, you would've left behind a dust cloud - you bolted so quickly from your seat and into his arms. You melted into his familiar embrace - strong, sturdy. You breathed him in and smiled; yep, still had that fresh, soap smell. You pulled back and your glossy eyes met his. It had been so long since you had seen anyone besides Natasha. It had been lonely.

"It's good to see you, (Y/N)," Steve chuckled. It had to be lonely for him, too. Though he seemed to be a little more put together than you were. At least he was clean and healthy. You would've been a little more self-conscious of all of the weight you had lost or the fact that your clothes had that nice three-day funk on them but you were just too happy to see Steve to care. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * -

You plopped down on the couch and hummed happily. You sat on those terribly stiff stools all day every day that you had almost forgotten what a plush seat felt like. Most nights you didn't even make it to bed; if you didn't fall asleep at your desk, you slept on the little cot that you rolled in there months ago. 

You surprised yourself by eating three slices of pizza -that was the most you had eaten in months. You didn't mention that; no need to worry Steve. You were doing the best that you could to take care of yourself. It just so happened that it wasn't a very good job but you were trying. 

"How ya doing?" Steve asked. He sat on the opposite end of the couch so you had room to pull your legs up onto the cushions. It seemed like such a harmless question but you both knew it was loaded and heavy. He hadn't checked on you in months and the last time he had tried had been during one of your coups where you locked everyone out of the lab so he hadn't been able to see you. 

"Just fine," you hoped your smile would pass as a promise. No need for him to know that you were too weak to move on. You had nightmares every time you closed your eyes of everyone you knew fading away into dust until you were the last one left. Steve nodded slowly; he wasn't buying it but didn't press too hard at the moment. 

He gave a little shrug and got up for a moment only to grab your plate and put it in the dishwasher with his. Always the gentleman even now. He moved back to the couch and sat close enough that he could touch you if wanted; you wished he would. It had been so long since you had been held. "Nat tells me that you're still locking yourself in that lab. If you need to get out, you can stay with me in Brooklyn for awhile," he offered. 

You knew this had been coming. Natasha was such a tattletale. For being a former spy, she could really be a rat sometimes! You sighed and offered another false smile. "I'm totally fine, Steve. There's a lot of work here to keep me busy. There's a lot of good I can do," you assured him. You weren't ready to leave your lab and face the world - the world left disheveled and half-empty because you didn't do enough to stop Thanos. A world empty of the one you loved.

"(Y/N)," Steve sighed but then smiled that melancholy smile of his. You hated that smile; frustratingly sage advice usually accompanied that damned smile. "I just want to make sure you're taking care of yourself. You know I still host those support groups. . ." You felt his eyes trace your figure. With your sweats and lab coat, you had hoped he wouldn't notice what constantly skipping meals and quitting exercising had done to your frame. You should've known better. 

"Those don't work for me," you said defensively. You had explained that the last time you went to one of his sessions. Not only did you have to deal with your own losses but you felt the guilt that accompanied being partially responsible for not stopping the snap from happening in the first place. It had been so overwhelming that you had puked on the drive home. "I've told you, Steve, and you can tell Natasha, too, since she doesn't seem to believe it when it comes from my own lips. I am doing fine and I've got everything handled on my own." 

You stood to stretch your legs and moved into the kitchen. You rummaged through the shelves and yanked out a beer. You almost grabbed only one because you were angry for Steve constantly bringing the same thing up but since he was doing it for your own well-being you decided that you couldn't be too upset. 

Steve took both beers that you brought back and popped the caps off. You slipped back into your spot and curled your legs tightly underneath you. You gave a more earnest smile and held up your bottle as if making a toast. "There's nothing that a healthy amount of alcohol can't make you forget," you chuckled sadly and downed a large gulp. You sighed and grabbed a little remote. After the flick of a few buttons, the fireplace at the front of the room snapped on and began to crackle. You tossed the remote aside and glanced over at Steve.

He drank his beverage slower. He wasn't in a rush to forget like you were. You didn't drink now as much as you had at the beginning. But sometimes the guilt and sorrow made you desperate enough for a binge. At least that was one bad habit that Natasha allowed you to indulge in guilt-free; she would join in more often than not. 

"It's not enough, (Y/N)," he said calmly. "You need closure and -"

"Can we just not? Not right now? Please?" 

Steve glanced over at you and turned his gaze back to the flames before taking a longer chug. He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry. You know I just worry about you."

"You don't need to," you almost said sourly. Why was everyone babying you? Was it because you were the only one who just couldn't seem to handle the trauma that everyone on earth (and the whole damn galaxy) experienced? 

An exasperated sigh slipped through your lips and with one sip you downed half of your bottle. You didn't know what to say to break this silence you had manufactured. It was easy to see that Steve was still just worried about you and you began to feel a little guilty for snapping. So you adjusted yourself so that you were sitting directly beside him. "I'm sorry. It's just. . . I'm a big girl. I can handle myself, okay?" 

Steve managed a smile and looked down at you. He realized that the best way to help you was to just be there for you. He could do that easy-peasy. Having familiar company was nice for him, too, after all. The silence was a little less heavy now. You sighed softly and rested your beer on your lap. "Remember Stark Tower? This place is so much nicer," you chuckled gently, changing the topic to diffuse any remaining tension between the two of you. 

"I liked being in the city, but it was pretty ugly," he agreed with a chuckle. You laughed, too, for the first time in a very long time. Crazy how quickly you became comfortable in the presence of someone you cared about. 

"Most of Tony's buildings were. . ." you looked for the right word to describe it, "ostentatious." You smiled proudly. That was exactly it. You glanced up at him. "You never saw his home in Malibu, did you?" 

Steve shook his head and mentioned that he was lucky enough not to get the chance. "Wait, when were you in Malibu? I thought your work kept you in New York?" he asked. 

You downed the rest of your bottle and sat the empty glass on the ground. You rotated your position so that you were still directly beside him but were facing him now. You crossed your legs and rested your hands in your lap. "I mean, I had a lab in New York but I did a lot of international and national travel. I was there for Tony when he first got the arc reactor put in his chest so I had to fly out to Malibu for that."

"You know, I knew you were there when he got it taken out, but I don't think I realized you helped him put it in," Steve said. They had known each other for years but there was still so much they could learn from each other, it seemed. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - SPRING 2010 - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * -

You still hadn't technically gotten your MD but your reputation proceeded you. Tony Stark had actually met your parents once or twice before they passed away. They were lavishly rich since your father had helped invent important medical machinery such as the MRI. You were following in his footsteps and had been studying medicine and dabbling in engineering since you were a young girl. 

Tony had paid for your flight to Malibu. You had most of your parents' wealth left but had used a lot of it to put yourself through college and to buy yourself your own lab. You needed space to truly create and experience after all, and most doctors and technicians wouldn't appreciate your unorthodox approaches to finding cures. 

Pepper Potts had been insistent that Tony get his chest checked out after coming home from his terrifying captivity. Tony was the kind of man to fly in a private specialist - hospitals were for the common folk. 

You remember being impressed with his home as you were welcomed inside. It was so modern and fresh; compared to your parents' mansion this was a breath of fresh air. You were escorted down to his workshop/garage by Pepper. He was already shirtless and sat down. He had a small disk-like object he was fidgeting with. 

"My god," you whispered and moved in closer to examine the glow coming from his chest. "What in the hell is that?" You asked. It wasn't fear or apprehension in your voice but pure curiosity and confusion. You had never seen anything like that before. This is why Tony knew you would be the perfect person to call - you were a carbon copy of your father: so curious and inventive. 

Tony explained that he had a miniature arc reactor in his chest that kept shrapnel from entering his heart. He was working on the newest upgrade for his chest piece and would be ready to pop it in after a few more adjustments. He sat down his tinkering and let you come in and examine him.

You threw your relatively short hair up into a ponytail and slid on gloves before gently feeling around his chest. You asked him questions about its installation, how the arc reactor really worked (you knew basic machinery engineering but hadn't studied anything like this before!), side effects he may be feeling, etc. 

You tossed the gloves in the trash and moved over to Pepper. "He's in fine shape. I would've recommended surgery to remove the shrapnel but it's a little risky. It's still a little early to tell if there will be any true side effects from having a fusion reactor in your chest. Just keep an eye on him. You have my number if he starts to show any side effects." Pepper wasn't quite in love with that answer but was relieved that, at least for now, he was going to be okay. 

"See, I told you I was fine!" Tony chided to the annoyance of his assistant. You had heard plenty about the billionaire and you could imagine that the life of Pepper Potts was stressful and uneasy. She saw you out and you didn't see Tony for another year when Nick Fury would fly you out to give him an injection that would help the poison about to kill him go away long enough for him to create a whole new element to use in his arc reactor. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * -

"I'm Morgan's godmother now, you know," you confessed at the end of your story. You had already gone for more beer and you smiled as Steve popped the cap off for you again. 

"Really?" Tony smiled, almost sadly but not quite. "That's amazing, (Y/N). Do you get to see them often then?" You could see the hope in his eyes. If you were well enough to go visit Tony and his family then maybe you were doing better than he thought. He was hoping to know how Tony was too since the two of them hadn't really left each other on the happiest terms again over a year ago. 

You pursed your lips and chugged your beer. "Well, last I heard I was godmother. I haven't really made it over since the little squirt was born." You sighed. What a crappy godmother and friend you were being. In your defense, you were pretty sure that Tony liked having some space from all of the remaining Avengers right now, too. "Tony's got a wife and daughter," you read Steve's mind. "I'm sure he's doing just fine."

Steve nodded and polished off the remainder of his beer. He rested his hand on your knee. "Have you ever thought about that? The hero business isn't quite bustling as it once was. You could take some time and find a family if that's what you wanted."

You would've gotten up and brushed him off if he hadn't placed his hand on your knee. It was placed so lightly and gently; it would take no effort to move it. Yet you couldn't. And he was aware of that and you were aware that he had done that to keep you in place. 

"I have a family. Or had one," you answered somberly. Steve sighed gently. That's not what he had meant but could tell it was too touchy of a subject to press forward. You rested your hand on top of his. "I still sort of do. . . right?"

You had Natasha but sometimes she was just as anxious and mopey as you were. But Steve? He had always sort of been a rock, a constant in your life. He felt like home. Steve smiled at your hand. He flipped his palm around and curled his fingers around your hand so he could give it a reassuring squeeze. "Yeah, (Y/N). You do."


	2. Icy Starts: SHIELD Recruitment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you continue to reminisce with Steve, you think back to when he was fresh out of the ice and when you first got your powers.

You relaxed into the plush cushions of the couch. Your knees gently brushed against the side of Steve's thigh. He gave your hand another reassuring squeeze before loosening his grip and moving his hands back onto his lap. Your hand felt cold as ice - well, more than usual (with your ice abilities, your skin was always cold to the touch). You clenched it into a fist and pulled it close to your chest. 

Steve's soft gaze was on the fireplace. You watched his chest gently rise and fall with each silent breath and sigh. You used your eyes to trace his face - that strong jaw and pointed nose. You noted that his lower lip with fuller than his top lip. He had thick lashes and the lines in his forehead clearly marked the stress he had endured over the last decade. 

You sighed gently and followed his gaze to the flames. "You probably don't remember when I thawed you out, do you?" you asked him quietly. You felt his focus turn to you but you kept your focus on the flames. 

"The first thing I remember is waking up on that set in SHIELD," Steve responded. "I know you're the one to thaw me out but you can tell it again." He knew that looking back on the happier moments in their lives was going to be easier than trying to push through all of the rough times. He liked that this was the most open you had been in months; he was sure that just talking was helping you. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - 2011 - * - * - * - * - * - * - 

At this point in time, you had been recruited by SHIELD. You had your powers so you were clearly an asset in that department but you liked to tell yourself you had been brought on because of your reputation in the medical field. You had recently finished school and had gotten your MD at a shockingly, yet believably, young age. 

What you were about to be shown would be surprisingly in your precise expertise. They had found the legendary Captain American frozen in ice. They weren't even sure if he was still alive but if there was anyone who could thaw him out and bring him back, it would be you. After getting your ice powers, you were the leading mind in cyrogenic therapies and practices in the world. 

There were half a dozen men in hazmat suits; the sight made you a little nervous but not nervous enough to change out of your lab coat. There was no evidence of any sort of nuclear danger and the suit would really just keep you from doing your job properly. You stepped forward and looked over your new patient. It was hard to believe you were actually about to work on Captain America; you had done a report on him in your sixth grade history class!

Things weren't looking particularly great. The man's lips were blue and his skin pale. He was clearly not breathing and his skin was hard as rock. A few individuals were working on chipping away the ice left stuck to his frame. This was actually where your powers came in handy. You were able to melt the ice without fear of damaging his body. You didn't even realize that you were in a very cold room to preserve the body (the cold temperature made no difference to you anyway) but you knew that melting the ice with heat could cause permanent damage to the body. And even if he wasn't alive, you wanted to keep the body preserved to study it. 

After you had removed all of the ice, you stayed in the room and hooked him up to a plethora of machines while very slowly bringing his body temperature up to a normal heat. You were nervous that you were just heating up a corpse but after completely thawing, your machines began to beep. "Incredible," you whispered as you took note of his weak heartbeat. 

You were able to study him for two more days and monitor his condition. It was absolutely amazing how quickly he was able to just. . . heal. He really was a superhuman. You wish you had gotten to do this awhile ago - you would've done your thesis on the physical properties of Captain America! 

But then he was rolled away and placed in a room decorated to look like it was straight from the 40s. You didn't quite agree to how they were going to bring this man back into the world but it was out of your hands at this point. It took two days after him waking for you to get to speak to him.

"I just spoke to a doctor," Steve sighed. He was clearly confused and tired. You couldn't imagine the mental toll of waking up seventy years in the future had on someone. He sat on the edge of his bed and looked ready to collapse. 

You sat down on the chair in front of him and flipped your frizzy ponytail off your shoulder and behind your back. "That was your psychologist. I'm your physician," you offered your classic disarming smile. Your smile was perhaps more iconic and powerful than your own powers - it was something you had practiced and mastered years ago. You wanted to be able to put people at ease - it helped them through their medical procedures which made treating them easier for you: win-win.

"I'm Dr. (Y/N) (Y/L/N)," you introduced yourself and held your hand out for him to shake. He took your hand and, with a politely firm grip, he shook it. 

"Steve Rogers."

You smiled gently. You knew all about this man. . . well, you knew what history had to say. "I'll make this quick, Mr. Rogers," you promised. You wanted to give him space to rest and wrap his mind around what was happening.

"Steve," he corrected you politely. 

You kept your smile on your lips. "Alright, Steve. I'll make this quick."

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - 

Steve chuckled. "That seems like a lifetime ago now, doesn't it?" He placed his hand back on your knee and you bit your cheek to keep from smiling too much. It felt nice to be touched. You didn't realize how touch depraved you had become. 

"Feels like a dream," you replied. You leaned over to grab an unopened beer off the side-table. You wiped the seat from the bottle off on your shirt and let Steve pop the cap off before taking a sip. You sighed wistfully. 

Steve absentmindedly rubbed his thumb over your knee. The gesture gave you goosebumps so you were thankful to be in sweatpants instead of shorts. You rolled your shoulders to hide the shiver that danced its way up your spine. "You know, I don't think I've ever asked you how SHIELD recruited you," Steve mentioned and glanced over at you. 

You gave that a thought. You could've sworn you had had this conversation with him before! But the more you thought about it, the more you realized that you had told Bucky this story. Your stomach knotted up and you took a long gulp of beer. Just thinking about him made you ready to burst into tears. You exhaled slowly. You'd share this story because it would keep you distracted from thinking about the man you missed the most. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - December 2010 - * - * - * - * - * - * - 

Tony told Pepper to send the carolers away. She really didn't think that a troop of carolers would've come all the way up here - this was the only building in the area! She moved to the door and was surprised to see your figure standing in the doorway. "Ms. (Y/L/N)? We weren't expecting you. Is there something I can do for you?" she asked without quite letting you in. 

You kept your hands behind your back and peered around Pepper to see if Tony was inside. "I'm very sorry to intrude," you apologized, "but I need to see Mr. Stark. It's pretty urgent." 

Pepper echoed your apology, "Well, I'm sorry but Mr. Stark isn't home. We'll have to arrange a meeting sometime in the new year. Is this. . . is Tony alright?" She realized that perhaps you knew something about Tony's health that you hadn't shared before.

"No, he's alright as far as I know," you answered. There was panic in your eyes and frustration etched across your forehead. "I'm sorry, please. It's very urgent. Do you know when he'll be home?" You didn't know Tony was half-eavesdropping from the couch inside. Pepper was about to object some more when you pulled your hands out from behind your back. There was a thick layer of ice from your fingertips to your elbows. Pepper let out a dismayed, shocked scream. 

Tony moved from the couch. From his elbow to his fingertips was the arm he had been tinkering with for his new Iron Man suit. "You need a doctor!" Pepper whisper-yelled. 

You shook your head in disagreement. You lit up when you saw Tony move to the door. He was clearly interested in what had happened to your arms. "It's not. . . not exactly what it looks like. . ." you tried to explain. You looked around to try and find something to prove your point. You scooped up a rock from beside the front door and watched as ice wrapped around the entire surface. 

"That is interesting," Tony said. Pepper excused herself. She had seen far too many strange things at this point - Tony had a glowing blue device in his chest, a giant robot had tried to kill her, and now there was a half-frozen girl at the door. "Miss (Y/L/N), right?" He moved you down to his workshop. 

It was clear that he didn't remember your first name. "It's Doctor, now, actually. And just (Y/N) is fine," you said. You sat down and let Tony take a look at your hands. You warned him about touching you. You weren't really in full control of your power now. 

He began to do his own studies and calculations. You explained what happened so that he could better help you. 

"I have this cancer. . . or I guess I had this cancer. It was the same kind my dad had and it's pretty difficult to treat. He tried everything he could but was limited by the times. I've been doing studies for years on different cryotherapies and how they might be effective in killing cancers off. . .

"So here's the thing. . . you really shouldn't perform experiments on yourself and alone. I had built this super cool - well, I'll have to just show you my lab sometime - it's the machine I created to help pinpoint the cancer. I obviously didn't want to freeze -

"You know, it doesn't matter. Basically my experiment went sideways. I killed the cancer but I got contaminated by the material I used to help control the freezing. I woke up with my hands covered in frost. I didn't know what to do but I knew that you had just announced that you're Iron Man. . . I didn't know where else to go," you rambled. You were clearly frazzled. 

"So you're saying," Tony began as he started to ship at the ice on your skin. You flinched with every chip though it didn't really hurt. "You drove from New York to Malibu with frozen arms?" You nodded slowly. It's why the ice had accumulated so badly on your arms. The dark rings around your eyes told him that you hadn't really stopped to rest during your long travels either. Your steering wheel was destroyed from the ice, too. But that was a problem for later. 

"Well, lucky for you, I think we might be able to figure out a solution here," he said. Tony was clearly excited to have this new and crazy task to keep him busy through the holidays. You let out a sigh of relief. Not only did you trust Tony because he was a world-renowned engineer and you were sure he could create some device to keep you from freezing things, but he was a self-proclaimed superhero! Surely he understood what you were going through right now better than most. 

You were Tony's guest for the next three and a half weeks. You celebrated Christmas with him and Pepper; which you learned meant minimal decorations but lavishly expensive presents. You really didn't feel like you deserved a gift since you hardly knew Tony but you opened up a box that had a beautiful sapphire and diamond necklace inside. You were speechless. 

But after Christmas, you were right back to work. Tony worked miracles and had created these two cuffs for each of your arms. You wore them at your wrists because they seemed to be the most effective there. It helped keep ice from forming on your skin. He had added a little bonus because he couldn't help himself. The bands emitted a water vapor that you were able to freeze. You were like a real superhero now. 

You had cultivated quite the relationship with Tony during that month. He bought you a new car, something completely unnecessary since you just needed to repair your steering wheel, and watched as you drove back to your lab in New York. 

You saw smoke as you pulled up to your lab. Three individuals clad in black clothing broke a window from the inside and slipped out. These assholes were setting fire to your lab! You didn't have time to question why. Instinct took over and you used your cuffs to freeze their feet to the ground as you ran inside. You were able to use your new power to put out the fire before it grew too big and destroyed too much. 

The cops arrived to take care of the arsonists. The firetrucks showed up and left since you had done all of the work. Agent Phil Coulson was at your door the next day. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - 

You played gently with your cuffs. You used to have to wear such ugly, clunky things. The most recent design Tony had gifted you was the size of a men's watch. You rubbed out a smudge on the metal and looked at your blurry reflection. "I wasn't a real hero like the rest of you when I was recruited. I was just this girl who accidentally. . . injected ice into her genes," you laughed. It was just so dumb. 

Steve chuckled as well. "You're a hero, now." You didn't feel like one. Not anymore at least. You sighed sadly and he did too. He realized what he had said once it passed through his lips. "(Y/N), you are. We did everything we could."

You looked ready to cry. A hero wouldn't have let Thanos snap away half of the universe. You all had failed when you needed more than ever to succeed. Steve wrapped an arm around your shoulder and brought you in close. You slowly let yourself relax enough to rest your cheek against his shoulder. His fingers gently brushed up and down the stretch of arm he could reach with his arm around you. "It wasn't enough," you whimpered. 

Steve held onto your arm tightly, giving you a squeeze. "It was all we could do. Lingering on the past. . . it only makes it harder to handle your future." And your present. You sighed and tried to pull away gently but Steve didn't loosen his grip on you. You weren't going anywhere. Right now, you needed to be held and he wasn't about to let you go back to moping in that empty lab of yours. 

"I don't really. . . see a future," you admitted. You tried to press forward through the present. Each day was its own obstacle and left you too exhausted to move ahead. You didn't see a future because it was too hard to look ahead. 

"There's a future," Steve said with such conviction you knew it just had to be true. "We have a future." And the way he said it made you feel like you had a future together. Maybe that's why you hadn't been able to get past the present. You were too preoccupied with doing it alone. But if you had Steve by your side, maybe you could find the strength to move forward. Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More coming soon!! Stay tuned! Going to work entirely through the MCU timeline!


	3. I Can't Help Dreaming a Little Dream of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get a little emotional as you think about the first song you shared with Steve.

Your arm felt numb; Steve had been tracing his fingers up and down the length between your shoulder and elbow for quite some time now. But it wasn't that bad kind of numb - the Novocaine numb that accompanied a distant, humming toothache. No, this was different and better - the kind of numb that settled on your lips after kissing someone straight through the night. You hadn't felt something like that in over a year. 

Your thumb traced the opening of your empty beer bottle. You were three beers in now and definitely feeling the hum of intoxication rumbling in your core, beginning for just one more beer to be set free. You sighed gently and settled in closer to Steve. He absentmindedly hummed a gentle tune and you felt the vibrations move through his chest. 

It took a moment for you to recognize the tune. You perked up and adjusted yourself so that you sat up straighter. "I like that song," you smiled gently. 

Steve chuckled. "You showed me this song, remember?" You furrowed your brow before blushing and covering your face in embarrassment. How could you have forgotten?! 

"Well, technically, I only introduced you to the cover. You already knew the song," you corrected. Steve laughed a little more heartily. 

"That was a really good day," he said slowly. His laugh had faded but there was a nostalgic smile resting on his lips. Your expression mirrored his own, though your cheeks were still rosy from embarrassment. It was a simpler time back then, but he was right; that had been a good day. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - * - Spring 2013 - * - * - * - * - * - * -

You had a lab all to yourself in the SHIELD headquarters. You were usually left uninterrupted. Everyone had quickly learned you did better on your own because you just didn't have the patience to handle interns or help. You had a particular way you liked things done is all. 

Music blared from the speaker you had set up on one of your workbenches. You were on a roller seat and working underneath a large piece of machinery. Your legs were crossed at the knees and you tapped your foot to the beat. Your music was on shuffle and had been playing a really good set of songs so you were in a pretty groovy mood. 

If you had heard the sliding lab doors open, you would've stopped singing. It's not that you were a bad singer, but you didn't have a voice worth boasting about or sharing either. You weren't expecting any guests and you didn't have any meetings today so you thought you were in the clear. 

"Sweet dreams til sunbeams find you. Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you. But in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little a dream of me," you sang along with Ella Fitzgerald. Your foot still swung with the beat. 

"I know this one," a voice came from near your feet. "Maybe not this exact version, but I know this song." You screamed only because you didn't know someone had come in and you were startled. You banged your head against the machinery and groaned. Your hand covered your face as a foot rested on the roller seat and pulled you out from the machinery. Steve crouched down and his concerned face scanned you for injuries. "Didn't mean to startle you," he apologized. 

Your hand slipped from your face. You had a nice little bump on your forehead and your face was absolutely rosy from embarrassment. You didn't even bother asking how long he had been standing there for, even a moment had been too long! You moved from the little roller and rummaged through the cabinets to find an ice pack. You were able to find one of the ones you broke and shook to get to cool off. You pressed it against your forehead before stumbling over to your speakers and pausing your music. 

"I'm fine," you assured Steve with an almost hostile sigh. You really hated that he had overheard you singing. He just laughed. "Who was that singing? I actually know that song?" You moved over to your desk and plopped down onto your plush seat before leaning your head to the side so you could meet his gaze. 

"Ella Fitzgerald and. . . uh, Louis Armstrong, I think. Doris Day has a pretty good version, too," you answered and pressed the ice pack against your skin with a little more force. You watched Steve move over to the speaker and poke around it a little bit. "Wha-"

Steve accidentally interrupted before you could ask him just what he was doing in your lab in the first place. "I didn't know you were an engineer," he said. You weren't in your lab coat since you had been up in the machinery. Your shirt was tied tightly against you so a thin line of your midriff peaked from above your jeans. Your little tennis shoes tapped against the linoleum flooring. "What were you doing with this machine?" he asked and went to inspect it but was respectful enough not to touch it. 

"I dabble in engineering. I need to in order to perform my experiments," you explained vaguely. You propped your feet up on your desk with your legs crossed at the ankles. "My dad was an engineer and Mom was a doctor. They both sort of gave me a headstart on my career. My dad invented lots of amazing things. . ." It was clear that you looked up to your dad; maybe that explained why you admired Tony the way you did, too. 

Steve nodded gently. That made sense. "It's impressive. I'd ask you what it's supposed to do but I'm not sure I would understand," he chuckled humbly. This man was always quite the gentleman wasn't he? You explained it in layman's terms anyway. If you could get it to work properly, it would help erase scar tissue. You knew you were sort of reaching for the stars but the Battle of New York the previous year had given you a couple nasty scratches you didn't care for. You watched Steve as you explained it; he was just so in awe. You were brilliant. He gave you a genuine smile and that little grudge you wanted to hold for him intruding on your little concert and then spooking you was all but an old dream. You could never be mad at this guy!

\- * - * - * - * - * - * -

You chuckled. Maybe the memory wasn't as bad as you remembered it being. "I never did get it to work like I wanted it to," you reminisced. You were able to get your device to help scar tissue fade a little bit more but not completely vanish. You rolled your shirt up and revealed a nice scar on the left side of your abdomen. "From one of the Chitauri," you explained. It was the main reason you wanted to make that machine in the first place. You had tried plenty of homemade salves but the faint line remained. You sighed and shrugged. It is what it is at this point. 

He traced it gently with his finger - it was warm. Everything was warm compared to the cool of your skin, though, wasn't it? He shook his head with a disapproving smile. "You can hardly even see this, (Y/N)," he chuckled. Maybe you were a tad dramatic but you had always prided yourself on your squeaky clean record of no major scars, stitches, or broken bones. You were long past that now, though. 

"It just bothered me at the time," you brushed his hand away and put your shirt back down. You curled in against his body again. You both sighed and hummed as you settled back into silence. You both found things to say but. . . sometimes the silence was just as nice. Silence wasn't so quiet when you weren't all alone. 

Steve pulled his phone out of his pocket and you couldn't help but watch his scroll through his phone. He wasn't one to use any social media or send a text during a conversation. He had gotten a little bit better with navigating his phone through the years though the time it took him to complete a task could be painstaking. He opened the music app and took far too long to scroll through. He began to play "Dream a Little Dream of Me" and it was the version you had shown him years ago. 

You snuggled in closely and hummed along before whisper-singing. "Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me. While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me." You were never the kind of person to get emotional from listening to music. Maybe the lyrics were hitting a little too hard or maybe it was the nostalgia hitting you like a freight train. 

You wiped your eyes and sniffled before you could break into tears. Steve noticed anyway and pulled you onto his lap. He held you close and gently rubbed your back. "I'll dream a little dream of you," he whispered the promise in your ear. You choked on a sob that fought its way out of your throat. He hadn't meant to actually make you cry! He thought it was what you wanted. . . no, needed to hear. 

You shook your head and stopped him from apologizing. "Thank you, Steve," you whispered. He tilted his head down so that you could plant a kiss on his temple. Even if his arms weren't around you, you had always felt held by Steve. Was there a safer place than Captain America's arms right now? You couldn't imagine there was. 

You sniffled for awhile until you could calm down. Steve had turned the music off; he felt guilty for playing it in the first place and making you cry. "I miss when things were so simple and easy and just. . . when did things get so hard?" You couldn't quite pinpoint when your life just became so heavy. You had endured a lot but you always had your team. And then one day you didn't. But you had had Bucky. . . You wiped your eyes quickly and cursed for letting yourself think about him again. 

Steve slipped you off of his lap and moved into the kitchen. He came back with two opened beers. With all of your crying, you were certain that your sobriety was as good as out the window at this point anyway. So you took that fourth beer and downed it faster than you had the last three. Steve took it slower. He could savor the flavors but he would never be able to enjoy the sweet, temporary relief that drunkenness brought on. But he would let you feel it. 

You sighed and melted into the cushions of the couch. You squirmed across his lap and snatched up his phone. You mumbled something about how he should really have a passcode on his phone but at least you were able to access his music a little more easily this way. You moved back to your spot snuggled up against him as you scrolled through a strange variety of songs. 

It was kind of fun. With such a wide range of music, you were sure that he had downloaded all of the suggestions that the other Avengers had offered. You could see it clearly actually. AC/DC was clearly a recommendation from Tony. There were some good bops from the seventies that you somehow knew came from the raccoon for whatever reason - he said it's because his first mate, Peter Quill, had tapes with these songs on them. You knew that a lot of the modern music came from Natasha because she had really tried her darnedest to get him adjusted to the twenty-first century. There were traces of Clint and Sam but you were looking to see what songs you had suggested that he actually downloaded. 

You laughed and tapped play on one of your favorite songs. Elvis's thick voice played through the speaker on his phone. 'Wise men say only fools rush in...'

You slipped off the couch and grabbed the remote to the fireplace to use as a microphone. You danced slowly and sang along with the best Elvis impersonation that you could manage (and it was certainly not brag-worthy). "Take my hand, take my whole life, too," you serenaded drunkenly. You were, without a doubt, drunk, but you felt lucid. Steve sat in his spot with a happy grin. It was good to see you loosen up. You took his hand and swung it in the space left between the two of you. 

"You know, this is the song my parents danced to at their wedding," you explained over the lyrics. They used to listen to it after a fight or on anniversaries, too. It had a lot of sentimental value to you in that sense. You thought it was the most romantic song ever because of that, too. Your parents' marriage wasn't perfect but they had been together until the end with no cheating scandals and neither of them ever had to sleep on the couch. You had always just imagined that this song had been a good omen. It made you feel good. 

"For I can't help falling in love with you," you began and squeezed Steve's hand. You held the remote to his face so he could sing the next lyric but he just laughed. You moved it back to your lips. "Darling, so it goes. Some things were meant to be."

You moved onto his lap, straddling him with confidence you would've only found drunk. You kept the remote pressed to your lips and your free hand slipped out of his. He didn't know what to do with his hands so he rested them gently on your calves. He didn't know where you were going with this. He was almost uncomfortable but only because this was uncharted territory. Maybe he shouldn't have let you get drunk. No. . . you needed a little cheering up. 

"Take my hand. Take my whole life, too," you sang again. Your words came out softer, like butterfly kisses. You cupped Steve's face and he leaned into your palm. "For I can't help falling in love with you." Each word grew quieter and quieter until it was a near indecipherable whisper. You dropped the remote and wrapped your arm around his neck. You leaned in and kissed him - your lips ever so slightly grazing his. He didn't pull back. 

You pulled back and fell onto the floor with a comical plop. You gingerly touched your lips and looked up at him. There was this unspoken barrier you had just crossed. You were friends and, more than that, you were in love with his best friend. But things were different now that Bucky was gone right? Well, they were different now anyway because you had kissed him. 

Part of you wanted to apologize because you shouldn't have done that. But you had liked it. You wanted it. To say you had never been attracted to Captain America, himself, would be a lie. He had had some sort of feelings for you, too. Clearly he had because he wasn't the one to break the kiss. You were. 

Maybe you messed up and you should've seen where the kiss might've gone. The kiss had been so gentle and light but your lips felt the absence of his even still. You tried to gauge his reaction but he was clearly as confused as you were, too. Elvis's ballad rolled away to Katy Perry's Firework. You grabbed his phone from the couch and paused the song. 

"Maybe I should call it a night," you whispered. You should've been more embarrassed than you were. You would absolutely wake up like you had been pied in the face but right now you couldn't focus on that. You had wanted to kiss him so badly. You had wanted to kiss him after the first beer but you knew that was inappropriate and wrong. You needed to sleep the booze off. 

"Yeah," Steve agreed gently. There was no judgement in his voice and he had clearly shaken off being shocked. At least for the moment he hid it for your sake. "Come on. I want to make sure you get there alright," he teased gently to lighten the mood a tad. You wanted to assure him that you really weren't that drunk and could manage on your own. You didn't feel super drunk but since you had just made a move on him maybe you weren't a good judge of your drunkenness. 

Or maybe you just really wanted to kiss Steve. He was the closest thing to home, to happiness, to comfort that you had left. As wrong as you knew it was, it had felt right.


	4. Something There That Was Almost There Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a quick kiss, you and Steve fumble around awkwardly. Did you make a mistake? Did you cross a line and ruin everything? You think back to different moments in your past where you realized you had a crush on him but had never pursued him.

You slipped under your covers and Steve stayed leaning against the doorframe. You laid on your side and watched him a moment before clearing your throat. You winced only a moment, reacting to your selfish request before it even escaped your lips. "Would you stay? Please," you asked quietly. The nights had been lonely and difficult to get through. You had spent so many nights in Bucky's arms before the snap . . . it was too cold and lonely now. It was one of the reasons why you often just chose to sleep in your lab - your bed felt too empty. 

Steve nodded and pulled a seat from the corner of the room closer to the bed. He respected you too much to slip into bed with you while you were drunk - well, he probably wouldn't have gotten in bed with you sober either; he was quite the gentleman after all. He did prop his feet up on the corner of your bed and settled in as comfortably as he could. He hadn't really been looking forward to going to his old room either; it would've been just as lonely for him there. 

You sighed happily and closed your eyes. With Steve here, you felt like you might actually be safe from any nightmares. Steve had always kept you safe and his presence would scare the demons that haunted you away. 

You had only had four beers and you weren't a lightweight. Years of hidden heavy drinking had built your tolerance. Four was still enough to give you that happy buzz and one of the side effects of intoxication was drowsiness. As you easily drifted off, your eyelashes fluttering against your cheek with each slowing blink, you kept your gaze on Steve. He had his hands rested on his abdomen and stared out of the wide window on the far end of the room that overlooked the empty courtyard. "Get some sleep," you whispered near silently as sleep pulled you into its embrace. 

You woke in a cold sweat, completely still and rigid under your sheets. Maybe you had been presumptuous to think that Steve's presence alone could rid you of all the trauma that haunted your dreams. You breathed heavily and placed a hand on your racing heart. You forced yourself to slow - breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, but silently as not to wake Steve. But as your focus adjusted to him, you realized that he was already awake. No, that wasn't right, he was still awake. His own gaze had moved from the window down to you. 

"Can't sleep?" you asked quietly and sat up. You glanced over at the alarm clock on your nightstand. It was four in the morning. You had only been asleep for about two hours. You sighed and briefly pinched the bridge of your nose - well, two hours seemed to be your average at this point. 

"I've got a lot I'm thinking about," Steve answered and looked you over. Your clothes clung to you, drenched from the sweat you perspired during your nightmare. "Bad dream?" You just nodded in reply. There had been a time where you would've shared what plagued your dreams but not now. You thought it was best to try and bury it, forget it. 

The two of you sat there in the stillness until you couldn't handle it anymore. "Well, if history has taught me anything, I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep," you forced a laugh to try and lighten the mood a little bit. You slipped out of bed and shook out your hair. You desperately needed some shampoo. "I'm going to take a shower and make some coffee, if you want to join." Steve glanced your way. "The coffee! Join me for coffee..." Not the shower. You quickly pulled some clothes out of the closet and slipped into the bathroom. You leaned against the closed door and smacked your palm to your face. You were such an idiot. 

You tossed your clean clothes on the closed toilet seat and slipped into the shower. You stayed under the water for far too long; one of the perks of not being able to get cold was the ability to take as long of a shower as you wanted (of course, warm showers were still the most enjoyable). You stayed in front of the mirror for just as long. The longer you looked, the more your reflection seemed to warp. You were becoming someone you didn't recognize anymore. You quickly dressed and towel-dried your hair. 

After stepping back into the room, you noticed that Steve had dozed off. Had he only stayed awake to watch over you? That was a selfish thought so you shook it off. You pulled a blanket up over his body and brushed through his hair with one gentle motion. You sighed gently and appreciated how at rest he finally looked. Silently, you slipped from the room and to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. 

You settled down on the couch with a warm mug of caffeine and booted up your laptop. After a few too many spills, you tried not to bring coffee into your lab anymore. After tossing in some earbuds and turning on some quiet music, you tried opening a few documents you were trying to complete but you were having an unusually hard time focusing. You decided to make the bad mistake of browsing through all of the old pictures you kept in a file hidden in a file hidden in another file. It hurt to look at them after all that had happened but you had this urge to look through them that you just couldn't ignore. Damn it, Steve! Making you all sentimental. 

You were normally very organized but the pictures taken over the last decade were all just thrown in the same file with no order. The first one you clicked on was of a party Tony hosted at the Avengers Tower back in 2015. You chuckled happily. Before Ultron had crashed the afterparty, it had been a really good night. The picture focused on you and Thor but many of your friends were in the background.

\- * - * - * - * - * - 2015 - * - * - * - * - * - 

You always knew where the booze was. You weren't a drunk! Not anymore, at least. You had been a little bit of an alcoholic but that was only to get you through college. And did you indulge now and then when you were a little overwhelmed from memories of the Battle of New York or fighting the Winter Soldier - yes. This was a party! What fun was it if you didn't allow yourself to get a little tipsy?

"See, this was aged for a thousand years," Thor explained and allowed only a few drops in his own glass and Steve's glass. Steve couldn't get drunk and you had always felt bad for the poor guy. You slipped right up between the muscular men and eyed the flask in Thor's hand. You held your own glass out. He didn't think much about it as he gave you a few drops as well - you were an Avenger after all! Not just some normal mortal! "Not meant for normal men," he emphasized but you were already taking a sip. 

A WWII veteran felt pretty confident in his ability to hold the exotic liquor so Thor reluctantly shared it. It didn't take long for him to be carried out because he was too drunk to function. You on the other hand? Well, yeah, you were getting drunk, too. Steve had taken your glass before you could finish. You babbled to him that because of your body's chilly condition you could handle your booze better than most men. He just laughed and thought you were full of it. 

"How did you like it?" Thor asked you and Steve. He had a proud smile on his face and poured what little was left in his mostly empty glass. 

You slipped an arm around his waist. "That was some good stuff," you chuckled and pat his back. Your gaze, though, was on the delicious slab of meat in front of you. Six feet of blonde, blue-eyed patriotism. Steve cocked his head; why were you looking at him like that? So hungrily? You gave him a wink and he laughed - you were drunk! That was all. That was mostly it but boy he did look yummy enough to eat and you had secretly thought so for the past two years. "You'll need to bring me some more," you told Thor. 

Thor laughed and pat your own back with perhaps a little too much force. You stumbled forward from his strength but the both of you just laughed. You were too drunk to remember your picture even being taken but you do remember a point where Thor carried you around on his back like you were a child. 

Luckily you had mostly sobered up before Ultron attacked. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - 

You smiled happily and made the picture your desktop background. You hadn't heard from Thor since everyone went their separate ways. You had reached out once or twice to no avail. You hoped he was doing okay and that he had been able to settle in the Asgardians. 

You scrolled through a few more images. There were a handfuls of pictures you had taken with Wanda or Natasha. Then you got to all of the pictures you had taken with Bucky. Pictures of him in bright, colorful clothing out by the riverside; pictures of him with the children who just absolutely adored him; pictures of the two of you smiling; a picture he had taken with the two of you in bed all tangled together under the sheets. You had such a happy, genuine smile. That was the happiest day of your life and you grimly didn't think life would offer you another chance to make a happier memory than that one. 

You unsuccessfully choked back tears. You tossed the laptop aside and buried your face in your hands as sobs rocked your body. You forced yourself to stop and wiped away your tears with the shawl you had donned after the shower. You sniffled and your breath hitched. You moved into the kitchen to refill your coffee mug - this time you made it Irish (and maybe a little more Irish than you should've). 

You sat back down on the couch and took a few deep, therapeutic breaths before sipping on your coffee. You pulled your laptop back over and resumed looking through the pictures. You must be a masochist to keep going. But after pushing through the pictures you had taken with Bucky, you found a picture of you and Steve at the Smithsonian. It was a pretty goofy picture but the trip had been a little more melancholy and morose than expected. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - 2014 - * - * - * - * - * - 

Steve hadn't been to the Smithsonian to see the whole exhibit dedicated to his legacy. You hadn't been since you were a child and your parents had work in DC. You offered to take him so that he wouldn't have to go alone. There was a moment where the two of you were worried that you would both be recognized -especially Steve since his image would be everywhere in the exhibit. But he just donned a baseball cap and you slid on your hardly used glasses (you preferred your contacts because you couldn't just sit them somewhere and lose track of them) and you were ready to go.

You were certainly having a little more fun than Steve was. You would've teased him a little more about his face being plastered everywhere if he didn't seem to be in such a quiet mood. It must be hard to look back at a time that you were at war - a time that probably only felt like a few years to him even though it had been closer to a century for everyone else. 

He moved past the giant mural of him saluting and past the part of the exhibit about his pre-serum life. You lingered behind. You knew most of his war story from history classes but you were able to look at it differently now that you actually knew the man behind the legend. You couldn't help but smile as you moved past old artifacts now - his motorcycle and shield replicas. Old videos played on screens which made you smile too. 

Steve pushed forward to a display of mannequins. "You really used to use that shield?" you chuckled gently. You placed a hand on his back and stood close to him. The outfit was a little crazy, too, but then again it was hardly different than the one he currently used. "I like the new one." The tinny triangle didn't look like it would've been much use in battle. 

Steve smiled gently, almost sadly. "I like the new one, too." Though the old one had sentimental value. It was almost strange for him to see it in a museum - it didn't even really feel like his own shield when he saw it on display. He was glad that you were here. Seeing these displays felt so strange and surreal. At moments, he was having a hard time digesting it properly. 

The two of you spent a lot of time in the Howling Commando section of the exhibit. These were all of his friends and now they were all gone. Your heart broke for him. To wake up to such great loss. . . you couldn't imagine. Steve moved his way over to a display about James Buchanan Barnes. The name sounded familiar but didn't fully connect until a narrator explained that this man, Bucky, was Steve's closest friend and had actually died in combat. 

"Oh Steve," you whispered and slid your arm around his waist. You leaned your head against his shoulder. He had suffered so much loss. He sighed sadly and looked at the etching of his friend before looking down at you. He was definitely glad to not be here alone. You slipped your arm from his waist and into his hand to give him a reassuring squeeze. He kept grip of your hand - you were to be his anchor while you finished the tour of his exhibit. 

You ended up in a small room that played a clip of Peggy Carter. She talked about Steve and all the great he did during the war. He squeezed your hand tightly and hung his head a moment. You wanted to do more for him. You wanted to be there for him completely. But it was then that you realized that there was hole in his heart in the shape of Peggy Carter. And you could try to cram and squeeze in, but you would never fully fit. It broke your heart a little bit because you had had feelings for Steve for awhile now. 

\- * - * - * - * - * - 

You sighed gently. You understood a little better now. There was a Bucky-shaped hole in your own heart now that you felt sure Steve could fill. It would just never be the same. But at this point, who else was left to fill that gap other than Steve? You flipped past the picture and through a few more. 

You came across some pictures you had taken of Sam's falcon wings the first time you got to see them. You landed on a picture you had taken of Steve asleep in the backseat of the car as you fled from the Hydra-infested SHIELD headquarters and from the Winter Soldier. That had been one of the most stressful weeks of your life. Hiding and running and fighting. You had seen enough of it!

You remembered how Natasha was really trying her darnedest to hook Steve up with a date. It was her little pet project. She mentioned just above every girl that worked at SHIELD. She didn't mention you because why would she? You were right there! If you had wanted to make a move on Steve then you would have wouldn't you? You weren't particularly sheepish or bashful. Besides, it could get tricky and messy dating someone on the team. 

There was one thought that bounced around in your head. What if you had actually pushed for a relationship with Steve? What if the fear of never matching up to Peggy hadn't kept you from pursuing something more? Would things be less hard now? You wouldn't have that gaping hole in your life from losing the one you really loved. But then again, you felt like Bucky was your soulmate! you were just confusing yourself. 

You moved back to the kitchen. You opted to drink straight from the bourbon bottle instead of diluting it with coffee. "What happened to the coffee?" Steve asked and you flinched from surprise. 

You sat the bottle down and wiped your lips. "Thought you were still asleep," you dodged answering the question. You could tell Steve was already concerned you were going to slip into a dangerous state of alcoholism. You sighed and moved back to the living room to shut off your slideshow of pictures. He kept an eye on you as you shut your laptop and sat it aside. "I'm fine, Steve. Seriously." You honestly didn't over-drink often; you had to keep busy in your lab band you couldn't do that if you were too drunk to function.

Steve had caught a glimpse of the pictures on your laptop and sat down. He was confused by everything going on currently, too. did he make a mistake by letting you slip away all those years ago? Should he have made a move when they had the chance and was it to late to really make a move now? All questions that he wasn't sure he was ready to have answered. You were ready, though. You couldn't stand being so alone and sad anymore. You thought that you should at least give this thing a shot and see if maybe it dulled the pain you couldn't escape. 

You sat there in awkward silence before he pulled you in close. He kept his arms around you and shut his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but shut his lips instead. You wondered what he was going to say. Instead you just nuzzled in closer and rested your cheek against his chest. His strong heartbeat beckoned you to fall back asleep but the caffeine roaring through your system wouldn't allow that. 

You really wanted to kiss him. You wanted to kiss him and love him and forget about the life you might've had that vanished with Bucky and the others. But for now, just being held, was enough. You didn't want to scare him away again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, feel like I sort of started to lose it a little at the end. Might edit it later.


End file.
